Kratos discovers Fanfiction!
by LateNiteSlacker
Summary: The title says it all! Review if it makes you happy.
1. Kratos discovers fanfiction

Title: Kratos Discovers Fanfiction!

Author: Marika

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these horribly abused characters. Any similarity to actual fanfiction is purely coincidental. All badfics that appear in this fic are impersonated…poorly.

Notes: Yeah yeah, I know. Like it's never been done before. But hey, now it's _my _turn!

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"What is this?" Kratos tilted his head, staring blankly at a strange glowing box.

"It's called a computer. Geez. You may have been born 4000 years ago, but you don't have to act like it." Zelos shook his head, admiring his own hair. "Ah, it's so healthy it shines!"

"What?"

"Nevermind. Here. Meet the internet." Zelos clicked a button shaped like a blue 'e'. "I'm sure you'll figure the rest out on your own. I have to go to the hair salon."

Kratos was alone. Alone and devious.

……………………………………

A little while later, Kratos had managed to download 3 different viruses and crash the computer at least 5 times. Somehow the machine had fixed itself and he was once again on the prowl.

"Confounded _machine_… I don't care how much Zelos reveres this so called 'pr0n.' This internet is nothing but…" Suddenly he stopped, catching a name that looked far too familiar on a search browser. Slowly and mechanically, he read the blurb outloud. "What would happen if Kratos had 5 more kids, all of them girls?"

Horrified and intrigued, he clicked on the link and began to read. "Kratos was sitting one day with his sword that he likes and suddenly this girl came up to him! She was really pretty and had long blonde hair and looked like she might be a half elf. She was like 'hey there you look a lot like this picture my mom left me a long time ago before she dyed.' Kratos looks at the picture and is like 'I remember your mom, she was a beautiful elf, that means you're my daughter! I'll love you forever and we can go buy a pony!"

Kratos gagged. And retched. And gagged again. "This story has _54 chapters!_ No thank you. Lloyd is more than enough for me."

On cue, Lloyd entered the room. "Hey Kratos, what are you googling?" Without waiting for a response, he peeked over Kratos's shoulder. Slowly, even slower than Kratos, he read another summary. "What would happen if Kratos told Lloyd he was his dad from the beginning of the game?"

Kratos froze, then tried to cover up the screen. "Umm… that.. that's not…"

"You… you're my **_dad!_**" Lloyd shrieked. He covered his eyes and ran blindly from the room. "AAAHH! SPOLIERS! IT BURNS!"

Kratos sighed. "Great. Thank you… what's this site called…? Fanfiction dot net. Now Lloyd already knows the big secret."

He was determined never to trust the internet again.

But… curiosity got the better of him.

If there was hidden information about himself on this magical site, what might there be about the others?

Deviantly, he clicked on the site again, browsing through the summaries once more. "Let's see…. 'Yuan finds out he's gay.' Hah, I thought so." Boldly he clicked on the link.

"Yuan kissed his love with the passion of 1000 suns, the kiss making him needy and hard. He moaned and hissed and when he couldn't take it anymore screamed 'Kratos take me now!'"

Kratos dropped the mouse. And retched again. "Aaugh! So… so wrong…" Tentatively, as if the mouse would burn him, he reached out for it, intent on changing the page.

Before he could, Yuan grabbed the mouse and clicked the back button. "You're right. You could never make me that happy."

Kratos spun around, mildly surprised to see Yuan standing there. "Where did you come from?"

"Who cares?"

"Good point." Bravely, he took the mouse again, clicking on another story that looked like it may have promise. " 'Lloyd finds out his one true love.' Ok, this could be interesting…"

"You'd better watch out. Ones that begin with that usually don't turn out so pretty." Yuan cautioned.

Not heeding the warning, Kratos clicked away. "It was a beautiful spring morning, the air was fresh, the grass smelled sweet, and the birds chirped in the trees high above…"

"You'd better skip to chapter 5. Nothing really happens before that anyway." Yuan commented.

"Ok." Kratos moved the mouse and clicked on the chapter titled 'Drama.' "Colette entered the room. 'Lloyd you are my one true love!' She said, tears in her happy eyes. Suddenly Sheena appeared! 'No, Lloyd you are _my_ one true love!' Zelos was mad! 'I will fight you Lloyd for Sheena!' But suddenly Presea appeared! 'I love you Presea!' Regal said! 'Eew. Regal that's gross.' Lloyd said."

Kratos sat motionless in front of the computer. Slowly, Yuan took the mouse from him, clicking the back button. "Brain fried?"

"Too much… badfiction…" Kratos murmured before collapsing on the table.

"Heh, good." Yuan snickered, pushing Kratos out of the chair and taking over the computer. "Time to find Zelos's pr0n."

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Marika's notepad:

Want the badness to continue? Review and tell me so.


	2. Is it real?

Yuan didn't claim the computer for long. All too soon his nemesis returned.

"It's more beautiful than ever!" Zelos announced, twirling his hair around as sparkles flew from the tips of his gleaming hair.

"Your hair….. it's … even prettier than mine…!!!" Yuan seethed.

Zelos smirked. "Yeah, what'cha gonna do about it?"

Yuan roared (he learned how to do that in the jungle book with the lion king once) and dove into Zelos, grabbing fistfuls of hair. "I'm going to tie your hair in knots!" And he did.

That made Zelos very sad.

Meanwhile, Kratos usurped the computer again! "Translate into English?" Blindly, he clicked away!

"_Kratos, I love with you!" Girl with brown hair and brown eyes and whose name was Anna says._

"_I love you!!!" Kratos cries!_

"_But I must tell you. I am really an alien and I love Link." Zelda says and walks away._

_THE END_

"……" Kratos stared at the screen, wondering if perhaps this was all just a very bad dream.

"At least that one was short." Zelos commented, fluffing his hair (Yuan untied the knots and braided his hair instead.)

Kratos should have learned. He really should have. But curiosity tempted him to click on yet another story. "An epic poem. This one can't be too bad."

"No Kratos don't do it-!!" Raine screamed, but she was too late.

"_I am Kratos._

_I am a warrior._

_I am a soldier._

_I am a father._

_I am a traitor._

_I loved._

_I lost._

_I am Kratos._"

Kratos sat aghast. "How can this site allow this mockery of my life???"

"Maybe you'd better turn the computer over to more capable hands." Raine said, leading Kratos away from the computer.

"These stories… they treat me as if I'm just some fantasy character… like I'm just a part of a game. That's not true… is it?" Kratos asked frantically.

"No Kratos, it's not." Raine said sympathetically. As they passed by Regal in the doorway, she whispered. "Badfiction poisoning."

Regal understood.

Suddenly, Zelos's scream echoed through the house! "_What have they DONE to me?!!_"

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Marika's notepad

What indeed! Tell me what you think Zelos should encounter next!

Will the tormented Kratos come back for more badfiction? You decide!


	3. Is it really real?

Zelos's scream broke 5 windows, 2 plates, and Regal's shackles.

"You're going to pay for that." Regal narrowed his eyes. "These shackles are…. _were_ a representation of my sins…"

"I'M A WOMAN!!!" Zelos shrieked, then fell to the computer table sobbing.

"Hey guys, Zelos finally came out!" Genis shouted, then telegraphed the news to Mizuho.

"That's wonderful Zelos, I'll help you buy some nice dresses." Sheena (she got Genis's telegraph) placed a compassionate hand on his shoulder.

"I hate you all." Zelos growled from beneath his tangle of hair (Yuan had tied it into knots again.) Finally, he popped up like a jack-in-the-box, pointing an accusing finger at the screen. "THAT monstrosity _made _ me a woman!"

Curiously, everyone peered closer at the screen…

…………..

_Zelos ran through the fields, her beautiful crimson hair flowing gaily behind her. It matched the redish trim of the new sundress she had just bought perfectly. "Such a sunny day gives me a wonderful feeling in my breast! Yonder, I shall enjoy the morning!"_

…………..

Nobody dared to read any farther.

"Hah hah hah!" Lloyd laughed. "Zelos, that's pretty gay!"

"It gets worse." Yuan omened. He scrolled down to a story labeled "shounen-ai."

…………..

"_I thought I loved Sheena, but I was wrong. This whole time, I've been in denial, placing my feelings for you onto her." Zelos's voice trembled, full of passion and desperate love. With a breathtaking sigh, he turned to the object of his dearest affections. "Lloyd, I love you!"_

"_Zelos!_ _I… " Lloyd ran to him, sweeping him off his feet and holding him close. "I love you too!" They shared a breathtaking kiss and…_

……………….

"Ugh! Bleh! No no no!!!" Lloyd staggered away from the computer. "I think I'm going to be sick…"

Raine ran into the room, patiently leading the patient away. "Doctor, we have another one."

Presea understood, and took Lloyd to the medical center. "I will not lose this patient!"

Meanwhile, Regal had his revenge.

While Presea took Zelos away, Colette sat down at the computer. "Oh my! A story about me?"

……………….

_In the middle of the night after she's lost her voice, Colette sneaks off to do a secret maidenly task, which she was told to do alone! So she goes and, of course, sees Remiel, who…_

……………….

"Sweetie, you'd better not read that." Yuan quickly pulled her away from the chair and handed her a basket of flowers. "Aeris needs some help selling these."

"Ok!" As Colette left the house, she passed by a staggering Kratos. "Kratos are you ok?"

"I think…. ugk… so…" Kratos murmured.

"Kratos! I'm so glad you're ok. I was really worried about you." Anna commented offhandedly.

"Anna?! Where did you come from?" Kratos suspected the magic box in the corner.

"From the sky, where else?" Anna said, making Kratos feel a little foolish.

"The crisis from the sky? Jenova??? WHERE?!!" Cloud asked.

"Down the hall and to the left." Yuan answered.

"Sephiroth…I will defeat you!" Cloud vowed, then went down the hall and to the left.

Suddenly Luke FonFabre bust into the room like nobody's business. "A Sephiroth Tree???? WHERE?!!!"

"Down the hall and to the right." Yuan answered.

Luke paced decidedly down the hall and to the right. Jade followed.

Meanwhile, Kratos found his way to the comfortable computer chair and inevitably read the screen.

"Kratos dear, do you remember your mother?" Anna asked,

Kratos was a little perplexed. "I have vague shadowy memories from 4000 years ago… why?"

"Because she wanted me to convey a message to you, something she has noticed that could really destroy your livelihood. She doesn't want to see you make such a grave mistake. She said…" Anna answered, the concern evident in her voice as she leaned in closer to Kratos. "…please, don't read any more fanfiction. I can't bear to see you suffer so much."

"Tell her thank you, but … I have to continue." Kratos said solemnly as he clicked on the next link…

………………………………………………………………………………………..

_Chapter 2_

"_Mary Sue, I'll love you forever and ever and ever." Kratos said, happiness beaming like prisms in his eyes._

_Mary Sue is happy but suddenly Anna is alive!_

"_Oh no, You could never love me as much as she" She says very very sadly._

"_No" Kratos smiles" Because I lve you now and Anna is a distant memory._

_Anna fades away._

"_Oh Kratos I'm so happy!" They share a kiss and are overcome with passion!_

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Kratos fell into a coma.

From down the hall, they heard a shout! "Arise, in the name of the Necromancer!!! MYSTIC CAGE!!!"

Kratos was pulled out of his comatose state. Quickly, he clicked on another link.

"I fear the worst." Yuan shook his head. "He's addicted."

"Addicted?" Anna asked.

"Yes." Yuan grimaced. "Addicted… to badfiction."

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The plot thickens! What will happen to Kratos and his new addiction? Should anybody else discover fanfiction? Tell me what you think!


	4. It really is real, isn't it?

"This is terrible! My poor husband, he's been…" Anna began.

Suddenly, Mithos appeared, along with his theme song! (Stayin' Alive)

"You don't belong here." Kratos frowned, the disco song distracting him. "Go away. Shoo."

"Kratos, you never knew how to have a good time." Mithos struck a pose, picked up Kratos by his wings, and threw him out the door. Anna ran after him.

Before Guy knew what was happening, Mithos had clicked on a link!

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_Mithos looked up wistfully and sang, _

"_Even though the gods are crazy_

_Even though the stars are blind_

_If you show me real love baby_

_I'll show you mine."_

"_Yuan why have you abandoned me???" Mithos cried. "This song makes me think about it every time!"_

_He kept singing, "I can make it nice or naughty_

_Be the devil and angel too_

_Got a heart and soul and body_

_Let's see what this love can do_

_Baby I'm perfect for you"_

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Mithos wondered what retro hippie had written those song lyrics. Although he did shed a tear over Yuan abandoning him.

"I can't do this, I cant!!" Luke screamed, digging his nails into the floor as Jade and Guy both dragged him across the room.

Mithos chose to ignore the flea carnival.

Suddenly Kratos reappeared-appeared-appeared!

"No Kratos, please don't do it!" Lloyd screamed.

"I'm sorry son. I have to do it." Dramatically, Kratos turned aside, a stray sparkle falling from his beautifully short-yet-bishie hair. "I'm joining the circus."

"I've had practice with the balance beam." Presea commented, following him.

Oblivious to everything, Mithos clicked on a link.

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_MITHOS'S SUPER SECRET JOURNAL OF DESPAIR!!!_

_Today I found out that Kratos is Lloyd's dad, OMG that makes me so sick, I think I'm going to have to beat him up or something. Maybe I'll yell at Yuan too because he's always a dumbass and can't do his job right._

_So I fed Kibbles and then we played for 3-5 hours._

_Chunky blue ice cream is the best._

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

Mithos's brain fried in his skull, leaving the smell of burnt popcorn in the room.

Kratos returned, his plight at the circus unsuccessful. "I am disillusioned."

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Marika's Notepad

A short chapter, but a chapter nonetheless! Have you gone crazy yet? Want more? Let me know.


	5. Why am I still writing this?

Kratos had reclaimed the computer when suddenly Asch appeared!

"I'm Asch. I'm a bigger badass than you." Asch declared.

"Hmph. Right." Kratos eyed him doubtfully.

"THE CHAIR!!! GIVE HIM THE CHAIR!!!" Natalia screamed.

Deciding it was a good idea, Kratos lifted the computer chair in the air, swung it around in a circle twice, then threw it at Asch.

Suddenly, the game cut to a cinematic scene!

"Asch nooo!!!!" Luke shrieked in slow-motion.

Asch went flying out the window, the chair plunging into him from the opposite direction. Luke and everyone from Tales of the Abyss jumped out after him.

Lloyd climbed in through the trap-door. "Who were those people?"

"They're from Tales of the Abyss." Genis answered professionally.

"Why were they here?"

"I would assume it is because they were here as well." Kratos mused, scrolling through the list of links. "There are stories about you and I… but there are also stories about them. This... 'Asch'... appears quite frequently."

"Umm, that's not quite right anymore." Raine clicked the 'refresh' button. "See? They've finally made a Tales of the Abyss section!"

"OMG srsly lol!" Sheena exclaimed.

Everyone took a step away from her.

Sheena retorted. "wtf? lmao!"

"What… what's happening to her?" Kratos backed away. "I… didn't even click on a link this time…"

Raine poured over a massive tomb of the urban dictionary. Grimly, she looked at Kratos and shook her head. "There… isn't much hope for her. It would appear that she has been… fangirlized."

"No, that's not possible. These things don't happen in real life!" Kratos clutched his head, warding away waves of impossibility.

Kratos2 walked by holding hands with Yuan.

"WOW!! OMG 3 3 3 YAOI!!!" Sheena skipped in place.

"You… you're me." Kratos gaped at Kratos2.

Kratos's other self smirked, swept a few wisps of hair dramatically out of his eyes, and settled his hand on his dark colored clothing. "Finally, we meet, other self."

"So it seems." Kratos responded.

"Yami-Kratos! Sore wa Yami-Kratos desu!!!! KAWAII!!!" Sheena exclaimed in Lloyd's ear.

Lloyd failed at making a chicken sandwich. "Aww man! Look what you made me do!" Sourly, he took out another slice of bread.

Kratos2 frowned. "You probably have a few questions, such as: who am I? where did I come from? Why…"

"Why are you holding hands with Yuan?"

'Yami Kratos' face-faulted. "Not quite where I was going… but I shall answer your question. I am your dark twin other-self from an alternate reality."

"That doesn't answer my question at all."

"In this other reality, I am the ultimate badass, and we are in love." Yami Kratos said, then made passionate love to Yuan.

Kratos gaped, quickly covering Lloyd's eyes. "Don't…. look…. Blindness… settling in…"

Before he completely lost his vision, Kratos spun around in his swivel chair. "Badfiction, it has to be better than that! It has to be!"

"What if the world was now a different world with me and my best friends inserted in it? Just read it I'm bad at summaries." Kratos read the description, then quickly clicked!

………………………………………………………………………………………………

_"My name was Mary before, but now it's Aphrodite! That means I'm the goddess of love now and Kratos is in love with me." Aphrodite says, then grabs Kratos and makes passionate love to him._

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Ah!!!! Going… blind…!!!" Kratos stumbled out of his chair and ran from the room.

"OMG! I'm going 2!" Sheena ran after him.

Lloyd was confused. "I am confused."

Genis agreed.

Raine gathered the children close. "Now listen, things are becoming very strange around here. I have a feeling it's your father's fault." She said, looking pointedly at Lloyd.

"That means that you have to make up for his mistakes Lloyd. You have to go on an incredibly dangerous journey where you will face many perils and risk your life every second of it."

"Wh-wha?! How is that fair?" Lloyd protested.

"Nothing is fair except for my skin. Maybe Genis's. And that vampire's over there." She indicated towards the odd gothy vampire in the corner. It nodded back. "Lloyd, the fate of our world rests in your hands."

"Again? Man, this sucks."

"Watch your language Lloyd!" Raine frowned disapprovingly, then shooed him out the door. "You must fix this world. Otherwise… badfiction may spread… TO ALL THE FANDOMS!!!!"

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Kratos: This sucks.

Lloyd: I second.

Marika: I third! Want to subject yourself to more crap? Tell me so.


	6. Will this ever end?

Lloyd was about to leave on his quest, but suddenly Kratos reappeared!

"Dad, you're back from Europe!" He cried happily.

"Yes, son. I am." Kratos announced, then dutifully clicked on a link.

* * *

_TALES OF KRATOS: THE NIGHT HOOKER_

* * *

"Wait, dad, no. You _didn't_ just click on that." Lloyd blanched.

"Yes, I'm afraid he did," Raine sighed.

* * *

_Kratos was out of cash and needed to pay for his baby and for his wife so he decided one day to be a night hooker. "Anna, I must be a night hooker." He said._

_Anna was happy because she knew Kratos would like it and then they would have money._

_So Kratos walks around one night hooking and this guy drives up and it's…_

_YUAN!!!_

_Kratos is so happy and gets in the car and…_

* * *

Suddenly, Zelos ambushed Kratos, tying a blindfold around his eyes!

"Graaah! Must… read… badfiction….!!!" Kratos cried, struggling against the blindfold.

The blindfold won.

"Lloyd, you have to go on a quest and quickly! Kratos isn't going to last much longer if he keeps reading this," Zelos explained. "His badfiction habit is warping the world around us, creating all of these strange anomalies…"

Suddenly a glasses-wearing red-haired man ran through the room, a panicked look in his eyes, then dashed down the hallway. "Make him go away!" he pleaded.

"RICHTER!!! I LOVE YOU!!!" Aster ran into the room after him.

"… like that." Zelos finished. "And we don't want that to keep happening."

"AAAUUUGHHHH!!!!" A loud, tortured, cry resounded from the other room.

Zelos shuddered. "We _really_ don't."

"Wow, thanks for the plot, Zelos," Genis said. "We really needed some around here."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Yuan agreed. "I mean, _centurions? _Come on!"

"And I really, who wouldn't have figured out that we named the tree "Yggdrasill?"" Lloyd added nonchalantly.

Emil paused in the doorway, gaping. "AAAHHH!!! SPOILERS!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!" He ran from the room crying.

"Huh, funny, that sounds oddly familiar…" Lloyd commented.

* * *

_TALES OF KRATOS: THE NIGHT HOOKER: PART 2!!!_

* * *

"…what was that?" Lloyd blinked.

"Oh no! The blindfold!" Regal cried. "Kratos figured out how to take it off!"

Presea ran forward, "Quick, we've got to stop him….!"

But it was too late.

* * *

_So Kratos was happy with Yuan but he didn't have any money so he wasn't really happy. He has to go out hooking again and he's like "man, all this hooking, when will I see mah baby again?"_

_Kratos the night hooker is sad. _

_But then, Mithos drives by! Mithos is like "I have lots of money" and Kratos agrees so he gets in the car…_

* * *

Blindfolded!

Kratos cried out in agony. "Nooooo! Curse you blindfold!"

"Lloyd, hurry and go on your quest!" Zelos pleaded. "For the sake of our world!"

"I will follow in my father's footsteps." Lloyd nodded with determination. "I'm joining the circus."

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LateNiteSlacker's Notes:

Oh the _badness_!_ It burns_! Think… do you _really_ want it to continue?

If you really do, let me know in you review…


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